ANYWAY . . .
It's funny how life goes in seasons. Some seasons are busy and intense and some are more quiet and slow. For Joel and I, right now seems to be a season of pulling back, of slowing down and being more intentional. It first started with the Lord speaking to Joel, and it took me awhile to jump on board. But God recently revealed to me a lot of junk in my own heart that I needed to repent from.
The last few weeks I had been frustrated with Joel because I felt like he wasn't "doing" anything. He's been saying no to some opportunities that he would normally say yes to and he's not filling up his schedule as full as it once was. And he's been having lots of quiet time with God. And I was angry (I know, I'm a horrible wife). I felt like he should be doing more. But Joel recognized the season God has Him in. And the Lord showed me how wrong my heart was and that I needed to ask Joel for forgiveness for my attitude towards him. You see, we come from this culture where it is pounded into us from little on up that we need to be productive. How busy can we be? The busier the better!! How full can we fill our schedules? The fuller the better!! How much can we get done in a day? The more the better!!
But it's not about what we can do or how much we can produce. God doesn't love us for what we do, he loves us for who we are. And if we are doing all of these good things, but we are dry on the inside, what are we really accomplishing anyway? If we haven't BEEN with God, how can we expect to make a difference? We need to be empty of ourselves and be so filled with Christ that it is him working in and though us. We are trying to do so much on our own strength and that is just tiring. Martin Luther once said: “I have so much to do that I shall spend the first three hours in prayer.” That really resonates with me. I need to be filled with him so that I have something to pour out to others. I can do NOTHING without Christ.
I heard a story once about a minister from China who visited churches in America. Before leaving, his host asked, “So, what impressed you most about churches in America?”
His answer? “It is amazing how much they can accomplish without God.” Ouch. But how true that is for me today. I've been trying to do all these things, but I've been doing them on my own strength and I've been doing them without God. And our own strength runs out and leaves us tired and empty, but God's strength is never-ending!
God has really been challenging me lately to seek him. Really seek him, not just spend 5 or 10 minutes quickly reading my Bible before moving onto the next thing. Quiet time? Check. But the Lord showed me how wrong that is and that spending time with him is not something to just cross of my to-do list. Jeremiah 29:13 says, "You will seek Me and find Me when you search for Me with all your heart." We don't find God by casually skimming the Bible or by a few whispered prayers here or there when we remember. No, we find him when we seek him with ALL OUR HEARTS!! Oh Lord, how I want this to be a desire in my heart. To want you and only you, because there is nothing else that satisfies.
And God wants more, he wants all of my heart. He wants me to spend time in his presence. To dwell in the house of the Lord. To come to him just to BE with him, simply because I love spending time with him. And if I'm quite honest, that is really hard for me. So many times I run to the Lord because I want an answer to a question or help with a problem in my life. And those things aren't bad, but the Lord has been showing me that he just wants to be with me. There doesn't need to be this agenda. Just sitting quietly with him is enough. He is enough. I want him to be the desire of my heart. And if I ever want to do something that really matters, well it needs to start by being in the presence of the Lord. Because you know what? The BEST use of our time is being with God. That is SO incredibly valuable! There is nothing more important and everything else will flow from there.
